A moment of silence for our fallen comrades

This is proving to be an annus horribilis for financial markets. After spates of bank writedowns and losses, monolines crises, Northern Rock, Bear Stearns, Freddie and Fannie, today opened with Lehman filing for bankruptcy and Merrill Lynch being taken over by Bank of America. In the space of one short year, three large, venerable US financial institutions with long histories have collapsed or lost their independence - their names consigned to history. And the question on everyone's mind is: who's next?

Earlier this year, in March/April, I had been miserable at work. Things were super tense at work - everyone was expecting the cost-cutting knife to be wielded. The questions were: how many, who, when? The air was thick with rumours, counter-rumours, morale and motivation were low, and there was a sense that we were all on death row.

I told myself to soldier on and ignore what I could not control. But it was a struggle and the tension and bleakness were wearing me down. And this was despite the fact that I had nothing much to lose, and that really, it didn't (and still doesn't) matter that much to me if I have a job or not, given I have no financial commitments - no mortgage, no children, and have a little bit of savings.

I had thought then (and meant to write it here, but never got around to putting fingers to keyboard) that, this could be a crucial turning point. I was curious to find out, what I would think in the future, when looking back on this period of prolonged mental strain. Would it be a short term strain and brief financial markets (and career-emotion) trough - a dust speck in my eye that is easily blinked away and with no long term material consequence? Or would it be the turning point, when I either got fired, or throw in the towel myself (doesn't make a lot of sense to work very hard for very little pay), and chose a completely different path instead (environment conservationist, wild child?)? And I had a really awesome, breath-holding sense then, that that was one of those rare pivotal cross-road moments in my life, that had the potential to send me down radically different trajectories and change the course of my life forever. Because I was still young enough, fed-up enough to do something reckless and give it all up - the hours, and the financial peace of mind that came with it (assuming sensible spending habits)

That round, I survived. There are surely more rounds of headcount reductions to come, or who knows, my bank could be next on the block. But, a mere 4 months later, I think I'm older enough and sufficiently set in my ways (having gotten used to nice food in fancy restaurants) to think that I'm very likely to (want to) come back to work in the financial services industry, in some shape or form, even if/when I take a year out to travel. I have invested too many years of my youth, too many tears and wrinkles, to walk away from the knowledge and experience that I have so dearly bought. The question will then be, will the financial services industry have changed so much structurally and in terms of volume/capacity, that there will not be work for me in future? After all, an entire bank has just collapsed and the streets will be flooded with a tsunami of unemployed bankers from Lehman alone. And that is before BofA wields its axe at Merrills. There is excess supply in the industry and some will just have to exit.

And so, if I have a seat at the table, does it make sense to give it up, when so many are scrambling for a chair before the music stops? Come May and my residency (fingers crossed), I think my answer will still be: yes.

a little death

Met The Boy's best friend in London and her boyfriend for tea, for "approval" (and they apparently highly approve). And so the circle of people who know about the two of us slowly expands and we're establishing ourselves as a couple.

Already his best friend and boyfriend were suggesting that the four of us visit Rome to try real Italian food. And The Boy suggested that we should spend a weekend in Bray to try the Fat Duck and Waterside Inn. And of course, The Boy and myself + YL and her boyfriend Michael have been to Poole for a weekend and had discussed the Fat Duck possibility. And an ex-colleague is keen to double-date with The Boy and myself.

Suddenly, the world seems to be full of couples who are only too eager to welcome their fellow settled two-somes into their lives and rhythms. I used to think that once a friend gets into a relationship, he/she disappears and you never get to see them again because they want to spend all their time with their other halves. Now I realise that is not true at all. The reality is, you lose your friend to the tribe of "Smug Marrieds" who spend most of their non-alone time with other couples, who validate their choice of settling down and they feel more comfortable with.

Somewhat to my surprise, I find that I quite like it, this very civilised couple get-togethers, usually over civilised activities such as brunches, dinners, day trips, board games. The calm staidness is a welcome change to the disorganised madness that has characterised the past seven years. And it amuses me to play the couple.

And to be sure, I like The Boy, and I'm happy with him. Based on anecdotal benchmarks of other boyfriends, I have to say The Boy is doing very well by all measures, although, as far as I had been concerned, I had thought The Boy was lovely and exceptionally sweet in some ways, but mostly just meeting expectations. I didn't think I had very high standards. But, now I'm particularly glad I found him, because clearly I would have dismissed most boys as grossly underperforming.

And yet, being in a couple means the end of other possibilities. I went out to a club last night, and it feels a bit different. Even though I'm rarely on the prowl when I go out clubbing, because I usually just want to dance and have a good time, yet, the potential to meet someone new (and I've had a surprisingly 100% track record of only good encounters at clubs) at clubs or anywhere in life, keeps life that little bit exciting and mysterious. Being with someone and being committed to the concept of loyalty and commitment therefore feels like a little death. I was speaking to another one of my colleagues, a 23-year old frenchie who has met a girl who's a perfect match. But he is in a small sort of denial and doesn't want to think of his girl as being The One because that's denying the possibility of ever kissing and sleeping with anoter girl. And I understand that, being happy with the special person you've found, and yet feeling a faint twinge at the loss of wonder (it is possible to continue to explore exciting new things as a couple of course. but that takes effort especially once history and recriminations build up layer upon layer with the passing of time, whereas changing a partner is so much easier)

Maybe that's part of the reason why couples hang out with other couples. Because people in relationships have closed doors to other possibilities, and hence find it easier to be with people who have done the same too, and it keeps them out of the way of temptations and potential trouble. But I find only hanging out with couples rather stifling at times, because there is inherently compromise, because in most cases, at least one member of each set of couple is making a compromise to fit in or spend time with people who are not his/her natural choice of friends.

For now, I count my blessings that I have a lovely Boy, and some lovely friends who are still single.

breathing space

Tonight is the first night I am alone for more than one and a half months. And it's quite nice, having this little quiet place called solitude to myself.

Since AJ and I got together in the last week of July, we've spend every night together either at his or mine, bar one weekend where I went to Stockholm for a friend's wedding, and I shared a room with a colleague. So I haven't really had the space and silence to allow my thoughts to form, much less to write.

Having been a swinging single for seven years, I'm used to my being alone and independent, and yet, I don't feel suffocated by this sudden perpetual two-some, which is strange enough. Even stranger is that I've had two very different relationships (albeit very short term ones) in the space of the last three months, and yet have been happy with both. While I was with BT (French boy 1), we wouldn't email, text, or call usually. Our communication usually comprised a succinct email once during the week to suggest meeting up during the weekend, and maybe a follow-up text/email or two during the course of the week. On the occasions I am able to leave early during the week, I would meet him for dinner, and then we would spend a day or a day and a half on the weekend together. And during my three weeks' travelling in Pakistan, he never texted/called me once. Most people find this shocking and weird. But I was perfectly happy with our level of communication and I cared very much for him. Then came AJ, where we see each other almost 24/7, both at work, given that we work in the same team, and also the nights which we spend together, and on weekends - and I've taken to that like fish to water as well.

I went to Brittany to eat (signature Breton crepes, lunch at Olivier Roellinger's three-Michelin-starred Maison de Bricourt at Cancale), visit his country (Dinard, Mt St Michel, Quimper, Benodet), and meet his parents.

I'm really glad we went to Brittany. Meeting his parents and sister, seeing the house he grew up in, looking through the photos of him from babyhood through to adolescence really reassured me by giving me a more nuanced insight of who he is and where he comes from. His mom is a tiny, petite little woman, and his sister is a night beauty - in a dark satin top that night we met, all dark hair and pale skin, with a shy smile, and a tendency to steal sideways glances at me. And they were all quite lovely and friendly, and, thanks to the boy's good work, didn't put me through an Inquisition. I feel more stable now, and if all goes well, I'm hoping to bring him home to eat, see my country, and meet my parents come December.